What NOT to do to your family
My parents passed away within one year of each other. They never expected it, they intended to live forever.My dad had suffered a stroke 7 years before and mother cared for him at home. When he passed away she was suddenly diagnosed with a 4th stage cancer that took her just 9 months later.
I live in California and am an only child; my parents lived in Winnipeg, Canada in the family home where the Depression mentality was in full bloom. They kept everything ‘in case they may need it someday’ and it was all there, occupying two floors. For years I visited every 6 months and tried to encourage a sorting of their things. I talked with retirement facilities and condo sellers and presented them with housing options that I would help them move to. I implored the people who helped with Dad’s care and with other trusted friends to encourage them to downsize. We believed it would enhance their last years with new freedom and stimulation which might even extend their lives. Mother resisted moving - anything. And Dad had no power and thus no choice.
After my dad’s passing, Mother’s life became very constricted. This woman who was never without her makeup on by 9am each morning was now found in her robe at 5pm, sleeping most of the time. Her last months were spent alone except for a few friends who made daily visits to check on her or take her for appointments. When I saw her just 2 months before her death she still refused to even discuss what would be done with their goods, still in total denial that she wouldn’t be around forever. And so nothing was done until after her funeral.
I had to put their home on the market very quickly in order to benefit from the brief summer window in the real estate market in Winnipeg. Very little in real estate happens between October and May due to cold and snow. Returning from mother’s funeral, the family and friends met at the house and we began the process. The instructions were simple: take anything you want or can use; invite friends to come to the house and take what they want. Anything left unclaimed would be removed and donated to the Salvation Army three days later.
We discovered a trunk in the basment with beautiful clothes that had never been worn; linens that were wedding gifts to my parents 50 years before. Shelves and shelves of preserves, enough canned and frozen food to support a family of 4 for a year. Appliances packed away on shelves in plastic bags, closets jammed, rooms jammed, garage jammed. Everything was saved - now it was being hauled off indiscriminately by strangers. By the end of the week things unclaimed were in black plastic bags and stacked in the large 2 car garage that used to house my father’s beloved workshop. Stacked 2-3 bags high. It took a large semi to haul everything to the Salvation Army depot.
This was the most painful experience I can remember. There was absolutely nothing else I could do. There was no time to try to anticipate whom my parents wanted their goods to go to; little was claimed by the relatives, most went to shelters, strangers; the rest was hauled away. My parents would have been absolutely appalled! I was so angry at having been put in this position by them that it took a long time for me to be able to grieve for them. I felt this showed a horrible lack of responsibility and unrealistic assumption; that someone else would take care of this for them and of course that one was me.
The contractors started work the day after the final black bag was removed. The house took three months to get it ready to list for sale. The day after it went on the market it sold with a full price offer and a young family moved into my parent’s home. I fulfilled my obligation but I will never forget the lesson that was learned.
Thus my advice to folks who want to behave with responsibility and respect for their family - don’t do to your children what my parents did to me. Downsize to smaller living space while you are able to make good decisions. Take with you only what you need, want or love and pass the rest on to someone else. Discuss whom should receive your treasures when you no longer can use them and have a plan for the rest. Don’t assume someone else will take care of this responsibility for you - that is unfair and unkind.