Where Should I live
Most of us love our homes and want to stay where we are familiar with the rooms, possessions, memories, and we have our privacy. We love our gardens and our neighborhood. We know the pharmacist, the mailman, the grocer. There is comfort in these familiar things even though we may not be as mobile or able to access them the way we used to. For many older people, the decision to remain at home is the right one and families should give a lot of attention to the feelings of their aging parents when making plans for the immediate future.
I know of a family that was becoming concerned about their widowed mother. She and her husband had been long time residents of a fine brownstone in Boston. After he died she continued her activities in the church, saw her friends and attended her clubs; she was comfortable there. She loved her home and her little garden; loved that she could easily get around town on public transport to the museums, parks and shops. But as she got older her son and daughter in law who lived on Cape Cod began to encourage her to move closer to them. They wanted their children to spend more time with their grandmother; they envisioned being able to drive to see her 5 minutes away and take her to local things they thought would interest her. A new environment with new stimuli, new friends, close to family in a beautiful location on Cape Cod – what could be nicer than that? She dismissed the idea out of hand and hoped they would drop it.
But they persisted and finally they wore her down. They took her to visit a beautiful retirement community near them where she could have all the luxury she wanted plus assisted care as she got older and began to need help. They presented her with all the reasons why this was the right decision. Many of her friends had taken that path already, many others had passed on, her circle of intimates was shrinking, and here was a chance to start a new phase of her life. Finally, she agreed to their plan. Her possessions were disposed of, her home was sold, the few things she could take with her were packed. Sadly but obediently, she moved into the retirement home. She did what her family wanted her to do. And one week after the last picture was hung, the last box was put away, she died.
I remember this was a powerful object lesson for me: this lady was, as far as anyone knew, perfectly healthy and competent to make decisions about her life and where she would live. But they didn’t listen to her well enough and so she felt devalued, unheard, irrelevant. She just gave up. Died of a broken heart? Possibly.
So in discussing the next step with your elder parent, make sure you take all things into consideration but especially their own feelings and opinions on the matter. In some situations remaining in the home is just not an option for safety or financial reasons. Sometimes this places an unreasonable burden on family members who may also be living in the home, each situation is different. Older folks want to feel useful and they want to feel they can make a contribution. Remembering how active and independent they were once makes one more sensitive to the feelings of uselessness that may come with dependence, diminished health and physical weakness. They may also have symptoms of depression.
Bob was a widower in his late 70s who lived alone in a duplex in Menlo Park. He had no family but had befriended many young students over the years, financing their education and supporting them as they started their lives. His mantle was covered with pictures of these surrogate children and their families and they stayed in touch with him. When I knew him, Bob was dealing with a heart problem and recovering from a stroke. He refused to have help in his home, determined to keep his independence. It took him all morning to change the sheets on his bed; he did his own cooking and even baked bread. To shop or go to movies he would hire someone to drive him and sometimes was grumpy about having to depend on anyone for that.
One day I suggested he consider some “hot wheels” and I told him about the motorized wheelchairs that were becoming available. Within 10 days he had contacted two of the vendors, had tried out the available models and ordered one in dark red. When I saw him next he had installed a large golf umbrella over the seat, attached a flag and he was off and running. You could see him zipping along El Camino in his baseball cap checking in at Safeway and the drug store, the book store and video place; he could travel a few miles before he had to come home and recharge the battery. This changed his life, providing him with a sense of freedom and independence that brought back his good humour and his zest for living. It kept him in touch with lots of people he would see on his journeys each day and I am positive the good feelings this evoked added many years to his life. They were certainly happier years, that’s for sure.
Everyone is different and has needs that are unique to them. Many different housing options are available to the senior and the first to consider is his own home. The piece following this one discusses the services available in most communities, certainly present here in Palo Alto, which makes remaining in ones own home a very reasonable option.